god i can remember back in high school when i was a 5/7!! i thought that was big! i never had a problem with my stomach back then. it wasn't even an issue. the only problem i had was that my thighs slightly rubbed together when i walked. i was surrounded by tiny girls, all size 0-2. and i had no idea that i was completely healthy.
now here i am. all 205lbs. of me. sitting like a blob, totally unhappy with myself. i quit smoking the other day and i'm determined to stop that. i've had this one beer sitting in my fridge for over a month. i refuse to drink it. even if i'm stressed, and i want a cigarette or a beer, i have to stop myself from getting it. gotta find another outlet. like... i guess working out could be one?
it's so easy to say i'm going to do this and stick with it this time. how many times have i started and stopped? always the same, "i'll start on monday" type of thing. i really need to document this and keep myself motivated somehow.
i live in florida. it's hot. and all i wear is jeans because i'm afraid to show my legs. i don't wear skirts either. the only time i'll wear a skirt or something that even resembles shorts is if they're long and usually past my knees. and that's sooooooooo old school. so i just wear jeans. but my muffin top has become uncontrollable. it's more like jello spilling over the top of my pants. it's so unattractive. i bought these large sweats from the NEX yesterday and guess what? my stomach is falling out over it!! it's so disgusting. sucks. i'm tired of having to wear pants and hike them all the way past my stomach just so i won't have THAT BAD of a muffin top. so at least the pants will hide it a little bit if i hike it up far enough.
it's gotten to the point where i don't even want to wear any shirts that show my arms AT ALL!! i'm telling you.. i've got cottage cheese everywhere! my arms, my stomach (if possible), my thighs and the front of them too down to my knees (hence i don't wear any skirts or shorts unless they pass my knees.)
i'm in florida. it's hot. i can't walk around this state wearing a turtle neck (not even a turtle neck because it'll accentuate my double-chin) and some jeans or sweat pants. it's time i feel good again. and i'm not doing this solely for the purpose of just trying to look good and be skinny like all of my friends. this is more about just being healthy. if i remain on the path i'm on, i'm cutting my life short. and what kind of example am i setting up for my son? he looks up to me more than anyone. (i just caught my son eating chalk.. i did not teach him that.) but i am what they consider "morbidly obese" for my age and weight and height and all that junk.
i don't make new year resolutions. because i believe that you can change your life anytime you want to. doesn't matter what time of the year it is. so today, i'm starting my new life resolution. it's going to be hard. i'm going to want to quit. some days i won't do much. but i hope that it gets to the point where i miss one day, and i feel totally awful about it and myself and just want to start over again because i feel just totally disgusted with my lack of self-motivation. that's what i want.
after my husband had left for deployment in february this year, i was super excited to lose weight. i started working out in my house almost every day. any free time i had i was lifting weights and lunging and all that other crap. but i really want to burn this fat around my stomach first, so i know i have to his the cardio machines. thankfully my husband got me an elliptical. my excuse for not using the elliptical was that i found 2 hornets in the patio where the elliptical is. well, i have hornet spray and no more excuses not to use it. so i was doing well.... and then i started traveling back home to california.
now i don't want to use california as an excuse anymore. yes, when i go back i fall off the wagon. i don't work out anymore and i over-eat like it's no one's business. and the worse part? i smoke and drink a ton with my friends. but that's not their fault. it's mine. i can choose not to smoke or drink, and i can choose not to over-eat, especially @ my grandma's even if it does hurt her feelings that i'm only taking a little bit and no rice. it's all about my decisions and sticking to them.
so here i am. no holds-barred. a pic of me and how i look. so i can look back and always remind myself that this was the last day i was going to be sad about my appearance. that this was the last day i was going to say "woe is me," and a celebration to the first day i finally made a difference.
this is
going to be hard. really really hard.my stats:
age: 25
weight: 205lbs
height: 5'3"
bmi: 36.6kg (88th percentile)
arms: r-15.5"; l-15.25"
waist: 37"
hips: 47"
chest: 41.75"
thighs: r-28.25"; l-28"
legs: r-19"; l-18.5"
neck: 16"
stomach: 46"
what i ate today: (this is good cause i can see where i'm screwing up)
2 multigrain tortilla chips
2 tbsp homemade guacamole (1/2 tomato, cilantro, red onion, 2 advocaos, 1tbsp medium salsa)
2 bottles of water
1 slim fast
1/2 cup of son's mac n cheese leftovers
lean cuisine enchilada suiza
10-12 pickled okra
1/3 bottle of gatorade
top part of my son's half eaten cup-cake with chocolate frosting
1 whole other cupcake
1/4 piece of bbq chicken & cheese quesadilla
1 small glass of 1% milk
(where i really fucked up) a spoon full of frosting. :P bleh!!!
work-outs i did today:
30 minutes on the elliptical @ 5 resistance setting #1 (hill thing that goes up and down)
shoot i forgot how many calories i burned.... gotta look that up next time.
I CAN DO THIS, DAMN IT!!!
p.s.
i didn't tell anyone i know about this because i don't want to hear pity and say, "oh sheena it's not that bad!" or "i think you're beautiful no matter what!" and i didn't tell anyone because i don't want their advice. i don't know why. i just don't. i want to do this for me, done by me, just this once. if i need advice, i will go out and seek it. call me a bitch, but this is just really personal.
