anger issues

i definitely have anger issues and i seriously think that i should go back to therapy or take anger management classes. i swear ever since i moved back here to california, it's only gotten worse. and the worst part about it, is i'm lashing out more than ever and taking it out on my uncle. i've broken it down and think that i'm doing it because he's an easy target. i feel fucking awful.

things have been so bad since i've been back. i mean it's not all bad, but there are so many life changes that i'm going through and it's seriously taken a toll on my brain.

i'm so embarrassed over what happened today. i should've just let it go. i never should've pursued it. i need to learn to leave things alone. i need to stop acting by impulse and saying whatever comes to mind. i think the only reason why i get so defensive and let the anger take over me is because i'm so afraid of getting stepped on. i'm afraid of people taking advantage of me. it's like, if i let one person get away with saying something mean to me, i'm afraid that there will be a stampede of people attacking me.

i can't believe i disrespected my grandma like that today. i feel like such a fucking fool. this is not who i want to be, but it's who i've become. i'm ready to get rid of this negativity in me. i never meant to hurt her, but my cousin today told me that i need to put her first and only think about her when i'm thinking about lashing out like that again. i didn't do that, and now i've created unnecessary turmoil between the family and i.

my uncle was rude to my son today. he talked to him in such a mean way and it was highly unnecessary. my son is only 4 and doesn't deserve that. and to say those things with that attitude to my son in front of me?! no. i won't stand for that. he may be able to be rude to others but he will not do it to my son. i felt so mad. so i said my piece and left it at that. when i saw him go into his room, i thought, okay last time we were able to talk about it. i'm going to go over there, knock on his door politely and ask him to talk. boy was i wrong. i should've never walked over there.

he acted so immature, repeating things like, "i can't hear you! blah blah blah! i don't want to talk! nyah nyah nyah! blah blah blah!" he was more immature than my son. i said, "you may be mean to other kids but you will not be mean to mine." and then whole time he kept yelling through his door, "blah blah blah..." what should sheena have done at this time? i should've let it go. but did i? no. i couldn't believe he was acting like this. so after minutes and minutes of desperately trying to talk to him reasonably, i lashed out. i cussed at him, told him mean things that i thought of him, and kicked his door a couple of times. then i left the house, in front of my whole family, like a hot mess while grandma follows me out and tells me "you're just like him."

wow. she couldn't be any more right. and that's the worst part of it all. he and i have tempers like no other. but unfortunately i'm the one with the big mouth. i thought at first that it was all him. that he was the reason why i was so upset. that he's the only one who gets me mad like this. but i'm utterly wrong. it's all me. i don't know how to let things go, i don't know how to control my temper, i don't know how to bite my tongue and move on. and that's why i have thought about it and come to the conclusion that i'm using him as a punching bag. like i'm just waiting for him to fuck up so i have someone to yell at and take all my frustrations out on.

i definitely know that i am on a lot of people's shit list right now. and i don't blame anyone for being upset or mad at me. if i had left it alone, then it would've just been another time that he was mad and locked himself in his room. but by going there to try to talk to him, i looked like i was attacking him, and in the end, that's what i ended up doing.

so what do i do now? how do i fix this? i've apologized to my grandma, but i know it's not enough. i've seriously stressed her out and i feel like shit for it. she doesn't deserve any of that at all. i disrespected her in her house by yelling at her son. ... shit.... i seriously don't know what to do.

i want to go to every family member and apologize and try to explain myself. but seriously, do they even want to hear it? are they tired of my outbursts? do i owe an explanation to anyone? all i want to do is set things right with my grandma. she's all i really care about. and yes, i feel bad for going off on my uncle but i'm not ready to talk to him yet. i don't know if i'll be any time soon. not only did i stress her out, but i stressed out my family and made myself look like an ass. great job, sheena. way to go.

this is what i'm going to do for me and my kids. i'm going back to therapy. when i went to therapy earlier this year i was happy. but when i stopped seeing him, things went down the drain. i want to go to church. maybe if i actually believed in god, then things would go right. i need to go to the gym and work out my frustrations there. actions speak louder than words. but if there's anyone out there that motivates me to be a better person, it's my kids. i don't want them to see me like this. what kind of example am i setting for them? plus i'm stressing them out as well.

i plan to be on hiatus for a while. i want to sort my shit out and find me again. find when i used to be happy, content, and let things slide.

i just want to say to my family that i'm sorry. this apology may mean nothing to you all, and that's fine. and if you all want to remain upset with me, i'm ready to deal with that. but do know, that i have good intentions on bettering myself. and sadly i will have to do it with or without your guys' help.

to my kids: mommy is sorry and she is going to get better, even if it kills me.

can't sleep.

i can't sleep at all. i just keep thinking about everything that's happened within the past few weeks.... well even just the past year. why haven't i been happy? i don't know what to do with myself. all i keep thinking about tonight is all the bad things that i've learned about myself. and it really really sucks. you've made me recognize all my faults and horrible traits. now what do you want me to do about it? i just don't even want to talk to him about anything anymore. and that really sucks. but i feel like anything i say is just going to be thrown back at me. like my emotions are wrong. all i know is that i'm a bad person. i'm selfish and spoiled and..... it sucks. i knew that i had these bad traits... but they just feel so amplified. if my life were a movie, is this the part where everyone would finally say, "finally! she finally fucking gets it! now i hope she changes herself!" or would there be anyone in that audience saying, "poor girl. he hit her too hard with the truth."?? honestly i don't know any other way that someone could've told me this about myself.

i just don't know what to do with myself anymore. am i even going to be a good mother?

i've been having bad cramps all night. i hope i'm not hurting my baby with stress. my massage therapist told me a while go to just let whatever anger i'm feeling go. it's only going to stress my baby. so since i've been so stressed, i guess it makes me selfish not to drop things like this. is my baby going to grow up resentful to me? i guess i would deserve it if she did.

i hate fighting in front of my son. and the worst part was, he was so calm about it as if that's how we talked every day to each other.

fuck. i just want to sleep.

i know i try not to regret anything... but tonight all i regret is being raised the way i was raised, living the life i did before i met my husband, and overall learning to be me. i thought that my whole life i was doing so well, and i was so happy. but tonight and these past few weeks have proved me wrong. i grew up to be a monster.

never happy.

i need an outlet. maybe by writing here i'll feel better. i often think that this is just another "woe is me.. i need attention" bit. and although i wish that someone i know will read this, i know they won't. i want my friends and and family and husband to know how i feel. but i just don't feel like i can articulate it right, so i'll just write down my own pity story by myself and assume no one will read it but wish that one person would and actually care.

i'm feeling pretty low right about now. i'm 19 days from having my second child and am feeling elated about her coming out. but that's really the only thing that is making me feel good. just my daughter and my son. that's it. but i feel like a failure everywhere else. i feel like i can't do anything right, i can't say anything right, and i can't be who my husband wants me to be. he is very good at pointing out my faults. and it sucks. he is one of the few people who can sit me down and make me feel like i'm the lowest of the low in this world. and it sucks. i love him, but every time he mentions something that i do wrong and makes me justify myself, i just already assume that it's a loss cause. i can't win any fight. i can't win a fight based on how i feel. with him, i need to have valid points in order for him to consider my feelings. and it sucks.

he's not all to blame. i'm pretty mean to him. just tonight we got in a huge fight and i finally gave in within myself to just accept everything he's saying. i just told myself to stop fighting and arguing what he's trying to tell you and just listen. there's a reason why he's saying it. i stopped fighting. i gave up.

he says that i get mad whenever he goes out and tries to have fun without me. this is true. i get so jealous. i get jealous that he gets to have fun and i don't. i also get jealous that he's this amazing looking guy who gets all of this attention from girls, and i hate it. i don't feel like i look good compared to him and if people saw me with him then they'd say, "what the fuck is he doing with her?" he's handsome, buff, funny, and all around amazing. any girl would be lucky. and i'm just over here fucking it up. i know what women think. i'm one of them. i don't care if i walk into a bar & see a guy with his girl. if he looks my way, all i can think is, "yea, i bet he'd fuck me." i'm just saying that that's what women think. we strive off of mens attention. without it, we're walking wrecks. with it, our confidence is up and we can do anything. and i know that he'll talk to girls. and why wouldn't he? who wouldn't like that kind of attention? i just can't stand the thought of it. pisses me off. i wish i didn't care like i did with my past boyfriends. because of this, i've decided not to care at all. i will not care about who he's with or who he will go out with. although it seems drastic, this is the only way i can feel like i'm still making him happy.

he says that i won't let him have any friends over. again, this is true. i don't like having anyone over really. but that's in general. i just don't feel like i have the type of place to entertain people. all the other places we lived in, i was able to i guess kind of show off my house and my life. i've always been proud. but my place here is so small and i can't house too many people. i don't have cable or enough food or drinks to give my guests. it's embarrassing. i just don't feel like i can entertain anyone. and honestly, i really don't feel like entertaining anyone. i just want to get through this pregnancy in peace. i feel bad, cause even when i've had some friends around the house (and this is way before) i had nothing for them to do. i had nothing to show them. and my husband is usually on the computer showing off some kind of movie or clip on youtube that no one is really interested in, leaving them bored and restless to get out and do something. and i feel bad. i don't feel like i'm showing good hospitality.

i don't know where i'm going with this. i'm just trying to explain to someone, ANYONE, why i act the way i act and feel the way i feel. i just feel like shit for feeling the way i feel and for making my husband feel that way too. i just feel like i'm doing anyone any good. i don't hang out with anyone anymore and i don't do anything with anyone. why? because i've turned into this horrible person. this person who is selfish and not fun. one who finds everyone and everything obnoxious. i've lost my patience with people and find their problems petty and annoying. i imagine people would find me this way too, so i just stay quiet and not say anything to anyone. probably not the healthiest way to live, but there's not much i can really do about it at this point. well there probably is, but i don't want to do anything. i feel like i'm at rock bottom.

my husband mentions that i'm not happy with anything i do. it's true. for a long time i whined about not working and how i wanted to go back to work so bad. now i'm working and i hate it. i hate the people who call and i am getting to this point where i can't stand some of the people i work with. i feel like a fucking idiot everywhere i go. i can't hold an intelligent conversation worth shit. i can't remember anything at work, even the simplest of things. i just can't do it. and i can tell that they get frustrated and tired of me. fine. i'll be gone in a week and give them a couple months of relief from me. hopefully i'll get my head together before i get back to work.

ugh... i can't think. i'm too tired. i just don't care anymore. i can't do anything right. he bases everything on facts, and i base everything on emotions. no wonder we don't work well all the time.

here's my shutting down and signing off.