anger issues

i definitely have anger issues and i seriously think that i should go back to therapy or take anger management classes. i swear ever since i moved back here to california, it's only gotten worse. and the worst part about it, is i'm lashing out more than ever and taking it out on my uncle. i've broken it down and think that i'm doing it because he's an easy target. i feel fucking awful.

things have been so bad since i've been back. i mean it's not all bad, but there are so many life changes that i'm going through and it's seriously taken a toll on my brain.

i'm so embarrassed over what happened today. i should've just let it go. i never should've pursued it. i need to learn to leave things alone. i need to stop acting by impulse and saying whatever comes to mind. i think the only reason why i get so defensive and let the anger take over me is because i'm so afraid of getting stepped on. i'm afraid of people taking advantage of me. it's like, if i let one person get away with saying something mean to me, i'm afraid that there will be a stampede of people attacking me.

i can't believe i disrespected my grandma like that today. i feel like such a fucking fool. this is not who i want to be, but it's who i've become. i'm ready to get rid of this negativity in me. i never meant to hurt her, but my cousin today told me that i need to put her first and only think about her when i'm thinking about lashing out like that again. i didn't do that, and now i've created unnecessary turmoil between the family and i.

my uncle was rude to my son today. he talked to him in such a mean way and it was highly unnecessary. my son is only 4 and doesn't deserve that. and to say those things with that attitude to my son in front of me?! no. i won't stand for that. he may be able to be rude to others but he will not do it to my son. i felt so mad. so i said my piece and left it at that. when i saw him go into his room, i thought, okay last time we were able to talk about it. i'm going to go over there, knock on his door politely and ask him to talk. boy was i wrong. i should've never walked over there.

he acted so immature, repeating things like, "i can't hear you! blah blah blah! i don't want to talk! nyah nyah nyah! blah blah blah!" he was more immature than my son. i said, "you may be mean to other kids but you will not be mean to mine." and then whole time he kept yelling through his door, "blah blah blah..." what should sheena have done at this time? i should've let it go. but did i? no. i couldn't believe he was acting like this. so after minutes and minutes of desperately trying to talk to him reasonably, i lashed out. i cussed at him, told him mean things that i thought of him, and kicked his door a couple of times. then i left the house, in front of my whole family, like a hot mess while grandma follows me out and tells me "you're just like him."

wow. she couldn't be any more right. and that's the worst part of it all. he and i have tempers like no other. but unfortunately i'm the one with the big mouth. i thought at first that it was all him. that he was the reason why i was so upset. that he's the only one who gets me mad like this. but i'm utterly wrong. it's all me. i don't know how to let things go, i don't know how to control my temper, i don't know how to bite my tongue and move on. and that's why i have thought about it and come to the conclusion that i'm using him as a punching bag. like i'm just waiting for him to fuck up so i have someone to yell at and take all my frustrations out on.

i definitely know that i am on a lot of people's shit list right now. and i don't blame anyone for being upset or mad at me. if i had left it alone, then it would've just been another time that he was mad and locked himself in his room. but by going there to try to talk to him, i looked like i was attacking him, and in the end, that's what i ended up doing.

so what do i do now? how do i fix this? i've apologized to my grandma, but i know it's not enough. i've seriously stressed her out and i feel like shit for it. she doesn't deserve any of that at all. i disrespected her in her house by yelling at her son. ... shit.... i seriously don't know what to do.

i want to go to every family member and apologize and try to explain myself. but seriously, do they even want to hear it? are they tired of my outbursts? do i owe an explanation to anyone? all i want to do is set things right with my grandma. she's all i really care about. and yes, i feel bad for going off on my uncle but i'm not ready to talk to him yet. i don't know if i'll be any time soon. not only did i stress her out, but i stressed out my family and made myself look like an ass. great job, sheena. way to go.

this is what i'm going to do for me and my kids. i'm going back to therapy. when i went to therapy earlier this year i was happy. but when i stopped seeing him, things went down the drain. i want to go to church. maybe if i actually believed in god, then things would go right. i need to go to the gym and work out my frustrations there. actions speak louder than words. but if there's anyone out there that motivates me to be a better person, it's my kids. i don't want them to see me like this. what kind of example am i setting for them? plus i'm stressing them out as well.

i plan to be on hiatus for a while. i want to sort my shit out and find me again. find when i used to be happy, content, and let things slide.

i just want to say to my family that i'm sorry. this apology may mean nothing to you all, and that's fine. and if you all want to remain upset with me, i'm ready to deal with that. but do know, that i have good intentions on bettering myself. and sadly i will have to do it with or without your guys' help.

to my kids: mommy is sorry and she is going to get better, even if it kills me.

can't sleep.

i can't sleep at all. i just keep thinking about everything that's happened within the past few weeks.... well even just the past year. why haven't i been happy? i don't know what to do with myself. all i keep thinking about tonight is all the bad things that i've learned about myself. and it really really sucks. you've made me recognize all my faults and horrible traits. now what do you want me to do about it? i just don't even want to talk to him about anything anymore. and that really sucks. but i feel like anything i say is just going to be thrown back at me. like my emotions are wrong. all i know is that i'm a bad person. i'm selfish and spoiled and..... it sucks. i knew that i had these bad traits... but they just feel so amplified. if my life were a movie, is this the part where everyone would finally say, "finally! she finally fucking gets it! now i hope she changes herself!" or would there be anyone in that audience saying, "poor girl. he hit her too hard with the truth."?? honestly i don't know any other way that someone could've told me this about myself.

i just don't know what to do with myself anymore. am i even going to be a good mother?

i've been having bad cramps all night. i hope i'm not hurting my baby with stress. my massage therapist told me a while go to just let whatever anger i'm feeling go. it's only going to stress my baby. so since i've been so stressed, i guess it makes me selfish not to drop things like this. is my baby going to grow up resentful to me? i guess i would deserve it if she did.

i hate fighting in front of my son. and the worst part was, he was so calm about it as if that's how we talked every day to each other.

fuck. i just want to sleep.

i know i try not to regret anything... but tonight all i regret is being raised the way i was raised, living the life i did before i met my husband, and overall learning to be me. i thought that my whole life i was doing so well, and i was so happy. but tonight and these past few weeks have proved me wrong. i grew up to be a monster.

never happy.

i need an outlet. maybe by writing here i'll feel better. i often think that this is just another "woe is me.. i need attention" bit. and although i wish that someone i know will read this, i know they won't. i want my friends and and family and husband to know how i feel. but i just don't feel like i can articulate it right, so i'll just write down my own pity story by myself and assume no one will read it but wish that one person would and actually care.

i'm feeling pretty low right about now. i'm 19 days from having my second child and am feeling elated about her coming out. but that's really the only thing that is making me feel good. just my daughter and my son. that's it. but i feel like a failure everywhere else. i feel like i can't do anything right, i can't say anything right, and i can't be who my husband wants me to be. he is very good at pointing out my faults. and it sucks. he is one of the few people who can sit me down and make me feel like i'm the lowest of the low in this world. and it sucks. i love him, but every time he mentions something that i do wrong and makes me justify myself, i just already assume that it's a loss cause. i can't win any fight. i can't win a fight based on how i feel. with him, i need to have valid points in order for him to consider my feelings. and it sucks.

he's not all to blame. i'm pretty mean to him. just tonight we got in a huge fight and i finally gave in within myself to just accept everything he's saying. i just told myself to stop fighting and arguing what he's trying to tell you and just listen. there's a reason why he's saying it. i stopped fighting. i gave up.

he says that i get mad whenever he goes out and tries to have fun without me. this is true. i get so jealous. i get jealous that he gets to have fun and i don't. i also get jealous that he's this amazing looking guy who gets all of this attention from girls, and i hate it. i don't feel like i look good compared to him and if people saw me with him then they'd say, "what the fuck is he doing with her?" he's handsome, buff, funny, and all around amazing. any girl would be lucky. and i'm just over here fucking it up. i know what women think. i'm one of them. i don't care if i walk into a bar & see a guy with his girl. if he looks my way, all i can think is, "yea, i bet he'd fuck me." i'm just saying that that's what women think. we strive off of mens attention. without it, we're walking wrecks. with it, our confidence is up and we can do anything. and i know that he'll talk to girls. and why wouldn't he? who wouldn't like that kind of attention? i just can't stand the thought of it. pisses me off. i wish i didn't care like i did with my past boyfriends. because of this, i've decided not to care at all. i will not care about who he's with or who he will go out with. although it seems drastic, this is the only way i can feel like i'm still making him happy.

he says that i won't let him have any friends over. again, this is true. i don't like having anyone over really. but that's in general. i just don't feel like i have the type of place to entertain people. all the other places we lived in, i was able to i guess kind of show off my house and my life. i've always been proud. but my place here is so small and i can't house too many people. i don't have cable or enough food or drinks to give my guests. it's embarrassing. i just don't feel like i can entertain anyone. and honestly, i really don't feel like entertaining anyone. i just want to get through this pregnancy in peace. i feel bad, cause even when i've had some friends around the house (and this is way before) i had nothing for them to do. i had nothing to show them. and my husband is usually on the computer showing off some kind of movie or clip on youtube that no one is really interested in, leaving them bored and restless to get out and do something. and i feel bad. i don't feel like i'm showing good hospitality.

i don't know where i'm going with this. i'm just trying to explain to someone, ANYONE, why i act the way i act and feel the way i feel. i just feel like shit for feeling the way i feel and for making my husband feel that way too. i just feel like i'm doing anyone any good. i don't hang out with anyone anymore and i don't do anything with anyone. why? because i've turned into this horrible person. this person who is selfish and not fun. one who finds everyone and everything obnoxious. i've lost my patience with people and find their problems petty and annoying. i imagine people would find me this way too, so i just stay quiet and not say anything to anyone. probably not the healthiest way to live, but there's not much i can really do about it at this point. well there probably is, but i don't want to do anything. i feel like i'm at rock bottom.

my husband mentions that i'm not happy with anything i do. it's true. for a long time i whined about not working and how i wanted to go back to work so bad. now i'm working and i hate it. i hate the people who call and i am getting to this point where i can't stand some of the people i work with. i feel like a fucking idiot everywhere i go. i can't hold an intelligent conversation worth shit. i can't remember anything at work, even the simplest of things. i just can't do it. and i can tell that they get frustrated and tired of me. fine. i'll be gone in a week and give them a couple months of relief from me. hopefully i'll get my head together before i get back to work.

ugh... i can't think. i'm too tired. i just don't care anymore. i can't do anything right. he bases everything on facts, and i base everything on emotions. no wonder we don't work well all the time.

here's my shutting down and signing off.

today's pic

well all i can really say is that it's jan 2010, and i didn't do crap last year. buutttt as soon as my husband came from home deployment, which was the end of july 2009, i lost, in about a month & a half, 15lbs. then continuing onto the holidays, i lost another 5lbs for a total of 20lbs. then the holidays happenend and i gained another 7. so that leaves me currently @ 189lbs. which is a shit load better than when i started. so i'm working working working on it now. i have spurts where i get active, then times when my husband is gone and i feel lost and don't know what to do so don't do anything. that can't be my excuse anymore. i'm tired of being a fucking fat ass.

as you can see from the pic, i'm still big, despite having lost some weight. but i think anyone who sees this can agree with me, that i look a million & one times better than my very first picture so far. i just look a wretched mess in that. it's really sad to look at.

i'm determined again to get this started. i'm eating healthier, i haven't smoked since new years (and haven't had a craving) and the only real weakness i have is chocolate and frappuccinos. i really gotta just get those out of my life. i told my husband that i have to look at all fast food and bad food with hate because they brought me here. i can only blame myself for so long until i don't feel bad anymore. so if i look @ bad food with disgust, then i feel better. and i really don't want it. i can eat healthy. i just over eat and then i don't work out.

my husband has me on a work out plan where i get stronger. kinda like the p90x thing. he says that cardio will help me burn fat, but he says that i'll lose it too fast and that it won't stick, where as if i build muscle, it'll burn off fat quickly, but it will maintain better because i'm getting stronger and making my body stronger and healthier. so yea, i'm just going with whatever he has me doing, cause obviously it works.

what irks me is that i could've lost more weight by now but starting school again really fucked me over. now that i'm not in school anymore i'm just trying to focus more on my health (along with other stress related things like moving and my husband leaving on another deployment.) it's really sad. but i'll be back in cali, and that's my big test to myself to see if i can really do this again. who knows. i'm more determined than ever.

i have new motivation for losing weight:
1) i'm now a singer in a cover band and my girlfriends that sing with me are beautiful and skinny as hell. i want to look better than them. not thinner, i wanna look healthy and curvaceous and just overall feel good about myself. i know it's not about looks and stuff, but shit, if it motivates me, then i'll take it!
2) i'm turning 27. that feels old to me. and i'm spending my bday in vegas. i wanna once go to vegas and be able to wear a short, cute dress and look AND feel good in it. and that'll be the first time i see my husband in about 5 months so i just wanna blow him out of the water. i wanna look better than when he first met me.
3) i really want to have more kids later this year or next year and in order to do that safely, i have to be healthy. i will be devastated to get pregnant now at this weight and in my poor health condition. there are more risks for me AND of course the baby and i just don't want that. i gained sooooo much weight during my first pregnancy, and i JUST finally shed it off end of last year. and my son is going to be 3 this year. that says a lot.
4) i want to be a good role model to my son, potential future kids, and my friends and family. prove to everyone, especially myself that i can do it, feel good about it, and hopefully encourage others to get on the same path as me.

wow, this is a lot longer than i expected... but this is good. i need to write things out more often. it's my niche. till next time. maybe by my bday in july i'll have an amazing pic to post on here. :)

this was sometime last year. just didn't post it. i got another one coming soon. i didn't get to measure anything yet.

weight loss journey: day 1

none of my friends or family know about this blog thingy i have. i just wanted to start it myself. i'm sure others will find it. but here i'm being completely honest. today, may 23, 2009, i told myself that i'm going to stop fucking around and finally lose weight. it's the only thing in my life that i hate right now. i hate my appearance and i hate my low self-confidence. i hate that i walk around with gabe and people look at me like, what is that buff guy doing with that fat chick? there's no way to hide it. and the worst part is that even large clothes don't fit me anymore. i wear a size 14 in pants, but 17/18 are comfortable.

god i can remember back in high school when i was a 5/7!! i thought that was big! i never had a problem with my stomach back then. it wasn't even an issue. the only problem i had was that my thighs slightly rubbed together when i walked. i was surrounded by tiny girls, all size 0-2. and i had no idea that i was completely healthy.

now here i am. all 205lbs. of me. sitting like a blob, totally unhappy with myself. i quit smoking the other day and i'm determined to stop that. i've had this one beer sitting in my fridge for over a month. i refuse to drink it. even if i'm stressed, and i want a cigarette or a beer, i have to stop myself from getting it. gotta find another outlet. like... i guess working out could be one?

it's so easy to say i'm going to do this and stick with it this time. how many times have i started and stopped? always the same, "i'll start on monday" type of thing. i really need to document this and keep myself motivated somehow.

i live in florida. it's hot. and all i wear is jeans because i'm afraid to show my legs. i don't wear skirts either. the only time i'll wear a skirt or something that even resembles shorts is if they're long and usually past my knees. and that's sooooooooo old school. so i just wear jeans. but my muffin top has become uncontrollable. it's more like jello spilling over the top of my pants. it's so unattractive. i bought these large sweats from the NEX yesterday and guess what? my stomach is falling out over it!! it's so disgusting. sucks. i'm tired of having to wear pants and hike them all the way past my stomach just so i won't have THAT BAD of a muffin top. so at least the pants will hide it a little bit if i hike it up far enough.

it's gotten to the point where i don't even want to wear any shirts that show my arms AT ALL!! i'm telling you.. i've got cottage cheese everywhere! my arms, my stomach (if possible), my thighs and the front of them too down to my knees (hence i don't wear any skirts or shorts unless they pass my knees.)

i'm in florida. it's hot. i can't walk around this state wearing a turtle neck (not even a turtle neck because it'll accentuate my double-chin) and some jeans or sweat pants. it's time i feel good again. and i'm not doing this solely for the purpose of just trying to look good and be skinny like all of my friends. this is more about just being healthy. if i remain on the path i'm on, i'm cutting my life short. and what kind of example am i setting up for my son? he looks up to me more than anyone. (i just caught my son eating chalk.. i did not teach him that.) but i am what they consider "morbidly obese" for my age and weight and height and all that junk.

i don't make new year resolutions. because i believe that you can change your life anytime you want to. doesn't matter what time of the year it is. so today, i'm starting my new life resolution. it's going to be hard. i'm going to want to quit. some days i won't do much. but i hope that it gets to the point where i miss one day, and i feel totally awful about it and myself and just want to start over again because i feel just totally disgusted with my lack of self-motivation. that's what i want.

after my husband had left for deployment in february this year, i was super excited to lose weight. i started working out in my house almost every day. any free time i had i was lifting weights and lunging and all that other crap. but i really want to burn this fat around my stomach first, so i know i have to his the cardio machines. thankfully my husband got me an elliptical. my excuse for not using the elliptical was that i found 2 hornets in the patio where the elliptical is. well, i have hornet spray and no more excuses not to use it. so i was doing well.... and then i started traveling back home to california.

now i don't want to use california as an excuse anymore. yes, when i go back i fall off the wagon. i don't work out anymore and i over-eat like it's no one's business. and the worse part? i smoke and drink a ton with my friends. but that's not their fault. it's mine. i can choose not to smoke or drink, and i can choose not to over-eat, especially @ my grandma's even if it does hurt her feelings that i'm only taking a little bit and no rice. it's all about my decisions and sticking to them.

so here i am. no holds-barred. a pic of me and how i look. so i can look back and always remind myself that this was the last day i was going to be sad about my appearance. that this was the last day i was going to say "woe is me," and a celebration to the first day i finally made a difference.

this is going to be hard. really really hard.
my stats:
age: 25
weight: 205lbs
height: 5'3"
bmi: 36.6kg (88th percentile)

arms: r-15.5"; l-15.25"
waist: 37"
hips: 47"
chest: 41.75"
thighs: r-28.25"; l-28"
legs: r-19"; l-18.5"
neck: 16"
stomach: 46"





what i ate today: (this is good cause i can see where i'm screwing up)
2 multigrain tortilla chips
2 tbsp homemade guacamole (1/2 tomato, cilantro, red onion, 2 advocaos, 1tbsp medium salsa)
2 bottles of water
1 slim fast
1/2 cup of son's mac n cheese leftovers
lean cuisine enchilada suiza
10-12 pickled okra
1/3 bottle of gatorade
top part of my son's half eaten cup-cake with chocolate frosting
1 whole other cupcake
1/4 piece of bbq chicken & cheese quesadilla
1 small glass of 1% milk
(where i really fucked up) a spoon full of frosting. :P bleh!!!

work-outs i did today:
30 minutes on the elliptical @ 5 resistance setting #1 (hill thing that goes up and down)
shoot i forgot how many calories i burned.... gotta look that up next time.

I CAN DO THIS, DAMN IT!!!

p.s.
i didn't tell anyone i know about this because i don't want to hear pity and say, "oh sheena it's not that bad!" or "i think you're beautiful no matter what!" and i didn't tell anyone because i don't want their advice. i don't know why. i just don't. i want to do this for me, done by me, just this once. if i need advice, i will go out and seek it. call me a bitch, but this is just really personal.