today's pic

well all i can really say is that it's jan 2010, and i didn't do crap last year. buutttt as soon as my husband came from home deployment, which was the end of july 2009, i lost, in about a month & a half, 15lbs. then continuing onto the holidays, i lost another 5lbs for a total of 20lbs. then the holidays happenend and i gained another 7. so that leaves me currently @ 189lbs. which is a shit load better than when i started. so i'm working working working on it now. i have spurts where i get active, then times when my husband is gone and i feel lost and don't know what to do so don't do anything. that can't be my excuse anymore. i'm tired of being a fucking fat ass.

as you can see from the pic, i'm still big, despite having lost some weight. but i think anyone who sees this can agree with me, that i look a million & one times better than my very first picture so far. i just look a wretched mess in that. it's really sad to look at.

i'm determined again to get this started. i'm eating healthier, i haven't smoked since new years (and haven't had a craving) and the only real weakness i have is chocolate and frappuccinos. i really gotta just get those out of my life. i told my husband that i have to look at all fast food and bad food with hate because they brought me here. i can only blame myself for so long until i don't feel bad anymore. so if i look @ bad food with disgust, then i feel better. and i really don't want it. i can eat healthy. i just over eat and then i don't work out.

my husband has me on a work out plan where i get stronger. kinda like the p90x thing. he says that cardio will help me burn fat, but he says that i'll lose it too fast and that it won't stick, where as if i build muscle, it'll burn off fat quickly, but it will maintain better because i'm getting stronger and making my body stronger and healthier. so yea, i'm just going with whatever he has me doing, cause obviously it works.

what irks me is that i could've lost more weight by now but starting school again really fucked me over. now that i'm not in school anymore i'm just trying to focus more on my health (along with other stress related things like moving and my husband leaving on another deployment.) it's really sad. but i'll be back in cali, and that's my big test to myself to see if i can really do this again. who knows. i'm more determined than ever.

i have new motivation for losing weight:
1) i'm now a singer in a cover band and my girlfriends that sing with me are beautiful and skinny as hell. i want to look better than them. not thinner, i wanna look healthy and curvaceous and just overall feel good about myself. i know it's not about looks and stuff, but shit, if it motivates me, then i'll take it!
2) i'm turning 27. that feels old to me. and i'm spending my bday in vegas. i wanna once go to vegas and be able to wear a short, cute dress and look AND feel good in it. and that'll be the first time i see my husband in about 5 months so i just wanna blow him out of the water. i wanna look better than when he first met me.
3) i really want to have more kids later this year or next year and in order to do that safely, i have to be healthy. i will be devastated to get pregnant now at this weight and in my poor health condition. there are more risks for me AND of course the baby and i just don't want that. i gained sooooo much weight during my first pregnancy, and i JUST finally shed it off end of last year. and my son is going to be 3 this year. that says a lot.
4) i want to be a good role model to my son, potential future kids, and my friends and family. prove to everyone, especially myself that i can do it, feel good about it, and hopefully encourage others to get on the same path as me.

wow, this is a lot longer than i expected... but this is good. i need to write things out more often. it's my niche. till next time. maybe by my bday in july i'll have an amazing pic to post on here. :)

this was sometime last year. just didn't post it. i got another one coming soon. i didn't get to measure anything yet.

weight loss journey: day 1

none of my friends or family know about this blog thingy i have. i just wanted to start it myself. i'm sure others will find it. but here i'm being completely honest. today, may 23, 2009, i told myself that i'm going to stop fucking around and finally lose weight. it's the only thing in my life that i hate right now. i hate my appearance and i hate my low self-confidence. i hate that i walk around with gabe and people look at me like, what is that buff guy doing with that fat chick? there's no way to hide it. and the worst part is that even large clothes don't fit me anymore. i wear a size 14 in pants, but 17/18 are comfortable.

god i can remember back in high school when i was a 5/7!! i thought that was big! i never had a problem with my stomach back then. it wasn't even an issue. the only problem i had was that my thighs slightly rubbed together when i walked. i was surrounded by tiny girls, all size 0-2. and i had no idea that i was completely healthy.

now here i am. all 205lbs. of me. sitting like a blob, totally unhappy with myself. i quit smoking the other day and i'm determined to stop that. i've had this one beer sitting in my fridge for over a month. i refuse to drink it. even if i'm stressed, and i want a cigarette or a beer, i have to stop myself from getting it. gotta find another outlet. like... i guess working out could be one?

it's so easy to say i'm going to do this and stick with it this time. how many times have i started and stopped? always the same, "i'll start on monday" type of thing. i really need to document this and keep myself motivated somehow.

i live in florida. it's hot. and all i wear is jeans because i'm afraid to show my legs. i don't wear skirts either. the only time i'll wear a skirt or something that even resembles shorts is if they're long and usually past my knees. and that's sooooooooo old school. so i just wear jeans. but my muffin top has become uncontrollable. it's more like jello spilling over the top of my pants. it's so unattractive. i bought these large sweats from the NEX yesterday and guess what? my stomach is falling out over it!! it's so disgusting. sucks. i'm tired of having to wear pants and hike them all the way past my stomach just so i won't have THAT BAD of a muffin top. so at least the pants will hide it a little bit if i hike it up far enough.

it's gotten to the point where i don't even want to wear any shirts that show my arms AT ALL!! i'm telling you.. i've got cottage cheese everywhere! my arms, my stomach (if possible), my thighs and the front of them too down to my knees (hence i don't wear any skirts or shorts unless they pass my knees.)

i'm in florida. it's hot. i can't walk around this state wearing a turtle neck (not even a turtle neck because it'll accentuate my double-chin) and some jeans or sweat pants. it's time i feel good again. and i'm not doing this solely for the purpose of just trying to look good and be skinny like all of my friends. this is more about just being healthy. if i remain on the path i'm on, i'm cutting my life short. and what kind of example am i setting up for my son? he looks up to me more than anyone. (i just caught my son eating chalk.. i did not teach him that.) but i am what they consider "morbidly obese" for my age and weight and height and all that junk.

i don't make new year resolutions. because i believe that you can change your life anytime you want to. doesn't matter what time of the year it is. so today, i'm starting my new life resolution. it's going to be hard. i'm going to want to quit. some days i won't do much. but i hope that it gets to the point where i miss one day, and i feel totally awful about it and myself and just want to start over again because i feel just totally disgusted with my lack of self-motivation. that's what i want.

after my husband had left for deployment in february this year, i was super excited to lose weight. i started working out in my house almost every day. any free time i had i was lifting weights and lunging and all that other crap. but i really want to burn this fat around my stomach first, so i know i have to his the cardio machines. thankfully my husband got me an elliptical. my excuse for not using the elliptical was that i found 2 hornets in the patio where the elliptical is. well, i have hornet spray and no more excuses not to use it. so i was doing well.... and then i started traveling back home to california.

now i don't want to use california as an excuse anymore. yes, when i go back i fall off the wagon. i don't work out anymore and i over-eat like it's no one's business. and the worse part? i smoke and drink a ton with my friends. but that's not their fault. it's mine. i can choose not to smoke or drink, and i can choose not to over-eat, especially @ my grandma's even if it does hurt her feelings that i'm only taking a little bit and no rice. it's all about my decisions and sticking to them.

so here i am. no holds-barred. a pic of me and how i look. so i can look back and always remind myself that this was the last day i was going to be sad about my appearance. that this was the last day i was going to say "woe is me," and a celebration to the first day i finally made a difference.

this is going to be hard. really really hard.
my stats:
age: 25
weight: 205lbs
height: 5'3"
bmi: 36.6kg (88th percentile)

arms: r-15.5"; l-15.25"
waist: 37"
hips: 47"
chest: 41.75"
thighs: r-28.25"; l-28"
legs: r-19"; l-18.5"
neck: 16"
stomach: 46"





what i ate today: (this is good cause i can see where i'm screwing up)
2 multigrain tortilla chips
2 tbsp homemade guacamole (1/2 tomato, cilantro, red onion, 2 advocaos, 1tbsp medium salsa)
2 bottles of water
1 slim fast
1/2 cup of son's mac n cheese leftovers
lean cuisine enchilada suiza
10-12 pickled okra
1/3 bottle of gatorade
top part of my son's half eaten cup-cake with chocolate frosting
1 whole other cupcake
1/4 piece of bbq chicken & cheese quesadilla
1 small glass of 1% milk
(where i really fucked up) a spoon full of frosting. :P bleh!!!

work-outs i did today:
30 minutes on the elliptical @ 5 resistance setting #1 (hill thing that goes up and down)
shoot i forgot how many calories i burned.... gotta look that up next time.

I CAN DO THIS, DAMN IT!!!

p.s.
i didn't tell anyone i know about this because i don't want to hear pity and say, "oh sheena it's not that bad!" or "i think you're beautiful no matter what!" and i didn't tell anyone because i don't want their advice. i don't know why. i just don't. i want to do this for me, done by me, just this once. if i need advice, i will go out and seek it. call me a bitch, but this is just really personal.