i'm feeling pretty low right about now. i'm 19 days from having my second child and am feeling elated about her coming out. but that's really the only thing that is making me feel good. just my daughter and my son. that's it. but i feel like a failure everywhere else. i feel like i can't do anything right, i can't say anything right, and i can't be who my husband wants me to be. he is very good at pointing out my faults. and it sucks. he is one of the few people who can sit me down and make me feel like i'm the lowest of the low in this world. and it sucks. i love him, but every time he mentions something that i do wrong and makes me justify myself, i just already assume that it's a loss cause. i can't win any fight. i can't win a fight based on how i feel. with him, i need to have valid points in order for him to consider my feelings. and it sucks.
he's not all to blame. i'm pretty mean to him. just tonight we got in a huge fight and i finally gave in within myself to just accept everything he's saying. i just told myself to stop fighting and arguing what he's trying to tell you and just listen. there's a reason why he's saying it. i stopped fighting. i gave up.
he says that i get mad whenever he goes out and tries to have fun without me. this is true. i get so jealous. i get jealous that he gets to have fun and i don't. i also get jealous that he's this amazing looking guy who gets all of this attention from girls, and i hate it. i don't feel like i look good compared to him and if people saw me with him then they'd say, "what the fuck is he doing with her?" he's handsome, buff, funny, and all around amazing. any girl would be lucky. and i'm just over here fucking it up. i know what women think. i'm one of them. i don't care if i walk into a bar & see a guy with his girl. if he looks my way, all i can think is, "yea, i bet he'd fuck me." i'm just saying that that's what women think. we strive off of mens attention. without it, we're walking wrecks. with it, our confidence is up and we can do anything. and i know that he'll talk to girls. and why wouldn't he? who wouldn't like that kind of attention? i just can't stand the thought of it. pisses me off. i wish i didn't care like i did with my past boyfriends. because of this, i've decided not to care at all. i will not care about who he's with or who he will go out with. although it seems drastic, this is the only way i can feel like i'm still making him happy.
he says that i won't let him have any friends over. again, this is true. i don't like having anyone over really. but that's in general. i just don't feel like i have the type of place to entertain people. all the other places we lived in, i was able to i guess kind of show off my house and my life. i've always been proud. but my place here is so small and i can't house too many people. i don't have cable or enough food or drinks to give my guests. it's embarrassing. i just don't feel like i can entertain anyone. and honestly, i really don't feel like entertaining anyone. i just want to get through this pregnancy in peace. i feel bad, cause even when i've had some friends around the house (and this is way before) i had nothing for them to do. i had nothing to show them. and my husband is usually on the computer showing off some kind of movie or clip on youtube that no one is really interested in, leaving them bored and restless to get out and do something. and i feel bad. i don't feel like i'm showing good hospitality.
i don't know where i'm going with this. i'm just trying to explain to someone, ANYONE, why i act the way i act and feel the way i feel. i just feel like shit for feeling the way i feel and for making my husband feel that way too. i just feel like i'm doing anyone any good. i don't hang out with anyone anymore and i don't do anything with anyone. why? because i've turned into this horrible person. this person who is selfish and not fun. one who finds everyone and everything obnoxious. i've lost my patience with people and find their problems petty and annoying. i imagine people would find me this way too, so i just stay quiet and not say anything to anyone. probably not the healthiest way to live, but there's not much i can really do about it at this point. well there probably is, but i don't want to do anything. i feel like i'm at rock bottom.
my husband mentions that i'm not happy with anything i do. it's true. for a long time i whined about not working and how i wanted to go back to work so bad. now i'm working and i hate it. i hate the people who call and i am getting to this point where i can't stand some of the people i work with. i feel like a fucking idiot everywhere i go. i can't hold an intelligent conversation worth shit. i can't remember anything at work, even the simplest of things. i just can't do it. and i can tell that they get frustrated and tired of me. fine. i'll be gone in a week and give them a couple months of relief from me. hopefully i'll get my head together before i get back to work.
ugh... i can't think. i'm too tired. i just don't care anymore. i can't do anything right. he bases everything on facts, and i base everything on emotions. no wonder we don't work well all the time.
here's my shutting down and signing off.
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