can't sleep.

i can't sleep at all. i just keep thinking about everything that's happened within the past few weeks.... well even just the past year. why haven't i been happy? i don't know what to do with myself. all i keep thinking about tonight is all the bad things that i've learned about myself. and it really really sucks. you've made me recognize all my faults and horrible traits. now what do you want me to do about it? i just don't even want to talk to him about anything anymore. and that really sucks. but i feel like anything i say is just going to be thrown back at me. like my emotions are wrong. all i know is that i'm a bad person. i'm selfish and spoiled and..... it sucks. i knew that i had these bad traits... but they just feel so amplified. if my life were a movie, is this the part where everyone would finally say, "finally! she finally fucking gets it! now i hope she changes herself!" or would there be anyone in that audience saying, "poor girl. he hit her too hard with the truth."?? honestly i don't know any other way that someone could've told me this about myself.

i just don't know what to do with myself anymore. am i even going to be a good mother?

i've been having bad cramps all night. i hope i'm not hurting my baby with stress. my massage therapist told me a while go to just let whatever anger i'm feeling go. it's only going to stress my baby. so since i've been so stressed, i guess it makes me selfish not to drop things like this. is my baby going to grow up resentful to me? i guess i would deserve it if she did.

i hate fighting in front of my son. and the worst part was, he was so calm about it as if that's how we talked every day to each other.

fuck. i just want to sleep.

i know i try not to regret anything... but tonight all i regret is being raised the way i was raised, living the life i did before i met my husband, and overall learning to be me. i thought that my whole life i was doing so well, and i was so happy. but tonight and these past few weeks have proved me wrong. i grew up to be a monster.